Thursday, June 13, 2013

Transfer addictions and trying to find my way again.

I'm baaaaaack!  I know it's been awhile.  Life got crazy and I just really didn't have the time, energy or anything to talk about.  But I have a few things I can write about today and something I want to get off my chest.  I'll start with the day to day and finish up with the big "whammy".  It's taken me awhile to gather the courage to post the last part of this.  I'll tell you now this is going to be a long 'un.    

I spent several weeks cleaning my house and then preparing for my daughter's last week of school which included class snack, end of school picnic and then her birthday party.  So I had to plan and shop for 3 different events in the same week.  Then the picnic ended up getting rained out.  :(  Boo!

So this week, life has sorta gotten back to normal.  My daughter is done school for the summer though. So that throws things for a bit of a loop.  But it's mostly normal.

Next step is to get my butt back into an exercise routine again.  Gonna be tricky with the little one home.  My gym has a babysitting service I can use, but only from 9am-1pm and 5pm-8pm and there's a 2 hour limit.  In the evening, everybody and their uncle is there and the mornings just go by so fast, it's hard to get there.  Ugh.  I am going to have to just do it.

I am also back to meal planning.  I got out of the habit with being so busy with school.  I know some folks plan day to day, but I'm focusing on week to week.  I'm staying as low carb as I can each day, so I may have to make modifications as needed.  The problem I have is that I cook for the family.  I don't want, nor do I have time, to cook for me separate from my husband and daughter.  I usually have to modify for my daughter, or make something different if I've made spicy food for her, so 3 different meals?  I don't think so.  So I plan to make 3 dinners per week.  I make enough to have the same thing at least twice.  This week's plan included zucchini boats, chicken piccata(hubby's request) and chicken chile verde.  I made the zucchini boats Tuesday and we finished them last night.  Tonight's plan was originally the piccata but it felt more like a chile night with the weather, so chile it is.  It's on the stove as I type.  I just have to add the beans at about 4:45 and make some brown rice.  I'll probably make some grilled nuggets and some veggies w/ ranch for my daughter as the chile gets a bit spicy because of the green chiles.  I'll make the piccata tomorrow night with whole grain angel-hair and a salad.    

On a completely different note, next week, June 19th, is my one year "surgiversary".  The day I got my second chance.  So I have my appointment with my surgeon.  Oh boy.  I haven't lost anywhere near the amount of weight I'd wanted, nor that I think my doctor wants.  I've been struggling with this whole thing recently.  Struggling with emotions, feelings of inadequacy, depression, body image, etc.
One thing I have discovered, without question, is my addictive personality.  I didn't think I had one.  I mean, I know I loved food and I loved to eat.  Hi, I had to have bariatric surgery to help me quit eating so much.  I figured that was my problem, I just ate a LOT!  Not because I had to but because I wanted to and just didn't have the willpower to stop. As I have been reflecting on things, I've realized that I was addicted, not just to eating, but more so, to overeating.  I ate to deal with emotions, because I never had the tools to cope otherwise.  The more I ate to deal, the more I needed to eat.  Now I'm back to dealing with issues and I physically can't overeat.  So I tried to use exercise, didn't work nearly as well.  It worked while I was doing it, because I was so caught up in hating the exercise that I forgot about what I needed to deal with.  And after I was done, gee look, feelings and problems are still there to deal with.  I still don't have the skills to cope.  So I tried prayer.  Still working on that, but getting there.  If you've been following me, you know I was recently "saved" and became a believer and follower of Christ.  If not, well now you know.  I took the next step in that journey and on June 2nd, I was baptized.  I have put my faith in Christ and I know he will help me through this.  It's hard, because for the last 30+ years, I've relied on the "other" trinity: me, myself and I.  Now, I have to learn that I can rely on the Father, Son and Holy Spirit as well.  That is what is helping me write the next part of this post.    

I am ashamed to admit, that as a 34 year old wife and mother, I don't know how to cope.  So what did I do?  TA DA!  Transfer addiction.  There I admitted it.  I transfered my overeating addiction to something else.  So what am I now addicted to? Shopping? Gambling? Exercise? Porn? Drugs? No, nope, uh-uh,, nope.  Can you guess?

C'mon, I know you have to have some idea now.

Did you guess alcohol?  Bingo!  Alcohol.  Go figure.  UGH!!!!   I realized it the other night.  I've always been the "occasional glass of wine in the evening" or a "few drinks with friends or the hubby on the weekend or date night" type.  Never really had a hankering for it, could go weeks or months between drinks, no issues not having any during my pregnancy.  The last few months, I began looking forward to my one evening a week glass of wine a bit too much.  I thought it was school driving me crazy.  My one glass became two, which became 3.  That led to 2 evenings, then 3.  The night I went through an entire bottle in one sitting should have set the alarms off.  But I didn't drink again for a while.  So I figured it was no big deal.  Then I bought a few more bottles of wine to have on hand, "just in case".  Another red flag.  But I was too busy "dealing" with my problems to notice what was really happening.  But it hit me upside the head the other night.  We were out at dinner, and I had a drink.  I figured I'd been working hard and had been running around like a crazy person, so I could have one.  "Just one," I thought.  I finished it and the buzz hit hard and fast, as usual.  As soon as it started to wear off, the wanting another started.  I figured I'd wait it out, but it only got worse.  It got to the point that I had to leave the restaurant.  I had to sit outside while my husband and daughter finished their dinner and packed up the leftovers and paid the check.  I couldn't be inside looking at the bar.  I was physically shaking.  I was able to push past it and not give in, this time.  But what happens next time?  If I'm alone?  I don't have my husband to stop me?  So, it has to stop.  No more alcohol.  But now what do I do?  I guess I need to figure out how to do this with no "crutch".  I am scared.  This has scared the shit out of me.  So at my appointment, I am going to ask about a good therapist to help me work through these issues.  They are deep seated I know that.  They've been going on since I was a child.  It is not going to be easy, but then nobody said it was going to be.  I will need all the support, love, good vibes and prayers any of you can spare.  I will be praying myself for the strength to get through this and beyond.  Thank you all for listening.

Good night and God bless.



  1. First of all, {{{hugs}}}. Then a big CONGRATULATIONS on your baptism. With regard to the exercise, you said it best in the last sentence of the 4th paragraph, you just "have to do it." But I know you know that. I think seeing a therapist is a great idea. I'll be praying for you that you find someone you can connect with who can guide you back on the right track. You can do this. I have every confidence in you. Here's another {{{hug}}} for good measure.

    1. Thanks Lis. I knew there was a reason I liked you! Hang on to that confidence for me. I'm probably gonna need to borrow some of yours to get me through the times when I don't have any in myself. Thanks for the hugs too. They help.

  2. One of my many mottos is "fake it till you make it." And you will make it. :)

  3. great start on recoveries by admitting addictions!!!!
    I am also an addictive personality and have to watch myself. but I agree with you on letting the higher entity GOD help you with all of this. try meditation, just sitting quietly and listening to GOD it is VERY VERY hard but it will come around I just started trying this also. 1 mth ahead of you in WLS and not at my goal either or close (60lbs away) but I am here for you!!!!! Keep STRONG!!!!

    1. Thank you. :) I will try meditation. Sounds like a good plan.